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Gender Specific
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| Don't be shy, ask me and I will probably add you.
Please Enjoy my March Horoscope that is very fitting for the months ahead right now
Inward transformation | *** | Valid during many months: This influence signifies a period of very deep inward transformation that will be reflected in changed ideals, goals and m any other aspects of your world view. You may also work harder than ever to bring about in reality an ideal that you have held for years. However, you will have to give up a great deal to accomplish this, and you will not receive much ego-reinforcement at the time, even if you are successful. You will find it necessary to question very deeply many beliefs you have held as a matter of course all your life. You may become disoriented as you discover that you have been living under illusions. But at least you will not be alone, for this is one of the influences that affect everyone in one age group at about the same time. In fact, the need to change your ideals may come through your peer group. It would be a good idea to discuss this with someone who is much older or younger and who is not suffering the effects of this influence, in order to get a better perspective on what is happening to you. If you begin psychotherapy now, which is quite possible, you should not choose a therapist of your own age. While he or she might understand you, he cannot give you a different perspective. Many elements of your life - relationships, job situations, places - may pass away now, but this is only a reflection of the profound changes taking place within you. After this period is over you may find it hard to recognize the person you were before. Whatever you choose to do, it would be a good idea to study a subject that will give you greater understanding about your life. Astrology, the occult, metaphysics or even depth psychology might serve this purpose. But don't get lost in abstractions: make sure that what you learn has real consequences in your everyday life, because you have great needs there that should be met. Also your studies should give you very deep understanding. Nothing superficial would help you at this time.
Copyright: 2007. Astro.com |
| comments: 27 comments or Leave a comment   |
| If you like reading my journal and would like to continue, contact me via this post and make a comment etc... I am unfortunately feeling the need to make my journal friends only. This is my last public post.
I did in fact just delete a comment made on my journal from someone at MHC who identified herself, but posted shit I don't want ANYONE to read on my journal. I didn't need advice on T, on a trans guy I know and respect, and I did NOT need someone putting in my journal that all current methods of Meta, Phallo etc suck and that people should wait for something better. That pissed me off most, as I commented... some guys can't wait. I didn't need a lesson, from a woman dating a fully transitioned guy on how to BE a guy. I commented and asked her who she was and to identify herself further. I gave her 5 days. No response.
I also banned that person from commenting on my journal. It gave me the option, it was a gut feeling.
Please do not post anything hurtful to my trans friends/brothers etc on my journal. It will always be pulled down.
Anything I find I need to post about what makes me angry, is my own process and in my own right as freely expressing myself on MY page AS a transguy.
Thank you.
Gabe
EDIT: Milly reminded me to just say... I've made a lot of friends only "locked" posts in the past few days... if you can read the locked ones, you don't need to throw me a comment. But I know most of my online friends haven't been friended back, so lemme know if you can't read those and I'll add you. | | comments: 14 comments or Leave a comment |
| Just an FYI
I had to delete one of my own comments on a post because I released personal contact information meant only for one person.
Gabe | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| 9 Months on T.
Today I feel like acknowledging:
What a privilege.
I am lucky.
But I didn't sleep last night so hopefully I'll make it through the day
Gabe | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I won big once and I hit the coast
But somehow I paid the big cost
Inside I felt like I was carryin' the broken spirits
Of all the other ones who lost
When the promise is broken you go on living
But it steals something from down in your soul
Like when the truth is spoken and it don't make no difference-Bruce Springsteen
Where have you been all my life?
Why now?
I'm goin to check out the co-op's open house after work with Bev, hopefully they'll really consider my application, cuz I'm off to a shitty job, with a nice new co-worker... but I'm tired of working with people who deem themselves "heart breakers"
When did people stop being fucking real with everyone else?
It upsets me a shit ton these days somehow.
Gabe
| | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Split between
Sections of red lights streaming on black roads
In the middle, staring forward and glancing behind
Rear view
Singled out self-inflicted separation
65
Bruce playing and filling the car
Pounding the windows even with finger tips striking piano keys
Voice and being, words only in dreams
Each new CD looking for truths
Coping somehow so lonely on open roads
Flooding, fog and snow
Just go.
Drive.
Make the road home and bed just a place to sleep
To breathe in and out
Medium instead of sanctuary.
Breathe in June
Breathe out February
The too much and not enough, seeping through thick veins
Through heavy weights, sexy
Fears and time stamp
Days in question
Phone calls, bills money saving, saving saving
Gooooone
Everything is everything.
Pushing and pulling on long days who and what will become
Sunny summer days somehow at the beach
Life and living, what's it all mean
Dark roads in the winter time | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| I guess maybe I just had time to post... which is laughable... work dun't start for anyone till 7:30 tomorrow because they finally figured out cleaning the vents when we're NOT THERE.... is a better situation... last time they did it, it smelled so terrible for my lungs and fogged so bad, I went outside for a while.
And of course felt bad about it, it is bleepidy bleep.
Somehow I got through yesterday's work day despite the immense drama, and the only thing making me happy about work these days is that they hired a cute girl, who also goes to Mt. Holyoke so lets hope she ain't stupid. I'm so sick of the hick they hire... I prefer a little more diversity than THAT.
Life is moving though. I worked a double on Saturday after not sleeping for 2 days and then went home and lifted lower body because of my T schedule, then passed out of course. Woke up tooooo breakfast, math hw due by 12, walk with Schlund at 11... grocery shopping, bought a bruce springsteen cd, made dinner while laundry rolled, read some FTM, read my math and meds hw... ate some more, stopped by co-op house ... folded laundry, made the bed, picked up my room a bit and here I am! Should figure out what time I need to wake up in the AM and then go to bed at 11.
Funny... I'm so busy that not being busy concerns me... and I dunno what to do with myself so I end up being the weird kid writing research papers before they're due and all.
Oh yeah I also mopped and cleaned the whole bathroom. Forgot that.
So... WHILE I was mopping I was having a mild conversation with Beck in my head, kind of a play on the lovely chat we had Friday night on the phone wondering if in fact he and I will ever stop talking about our identities.... sometimes it's interesting to her others' opinions and sometimes those conversations are necessary.
Here's my question posed to everyone who reads this for today, FTM or not...
What do you say to someone, a little phobic in general, be it race, gay or trans who says to you "you get everything you want because you're trans" or yells it.
I just wanna hear your responses to that, flow it out folks! And rant away.
I heard a couple trans T/surgery horror stories about parents getting in the way this weekend. Heh. We do NOT always GET what we WANT.
Course not.
Alas, I've taken to watching season 3 of The X-Files on DVD again after about a year or so of not really heavily watching things sept the sexy episode gillian wrote, All Things. Just trying to lose my head in something comfortable, really comfortable and familiar. Heheh, Mulder just said "it seems that cockroaches are mortally attacking people" to Scully, name that ep, you'll get a prize.
I keep thinking about surgery in June like it's a day that'll never fucking come, though I know hopefully it will... days go by and instead of feeling like I've lost something, I feel like I've gained a step closer. Makes me wanna put one of those tickers up on my website like some other guy did... but of course, whenever I saw his, it kinda hurt me in a way and I dunno if I'm doing that to other people. When do you cross the line of "my journal" and "I don't want others to feel like me?"
I dunno, except that a ticker... is unnecessary.
Anyways, I didn't have much to say and I still don't... there's too much to do, and I should go do it, even if it is sleep, I haven't gotten much.
Fare thee well
Oh yeah
Bruce Springsteen ROCKS
He's sooooo freakin sexxxxxy!
Oh and I love his music, just bought a "new' album cuz I needed to be enlightened.
Gabe
Have a pic for the road. Beck's town, prolly November '07 | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| Medical transition or... non-medical transition, or more importantly both... or in fact... neither.
Divisive.
Had a conversation with a friend today about transguys and their apparent lack of respect for the other kind... 8 1/2 months on T, it's still new to me even how to have conversations with people without offending them in some way.
Moreover, when did we all start hating each other... O's words on a trans guy putting him down and only looking at him instead of the non-T folks standing next to him trying to make a point reminded me of my own lonely struggles. And the movement at hand.
On Wednesday I sat down with my therapist, only to say that there seems to be some war going on with my people. Getting to surgery is privilege enough and already, as it becomes my reality moreso each day... it's becoming apparent to me it's not enough just to have "the surgery" ... now there's names. That dropping $7,300 on Fischer or Brownstein is the way to go, the way to get respect, or... you live in Western Mass like I do and if you're not going to Brownstein for DI or Fischer for peri/keyhole ... you're the badass in town going to Johnson and stating "I don't fucking care about an SRS letter"
Maybe you don't. Or maybe you already have an M on your license. I dunno. Or maybe, you haven't met Evan R.
Either way it's some hierarchy one must negotiate as a trans person able to pay for surgery through whatever means... Fischer or Brownstein? Then why aren't you staying local? Who's Medalie? Or, "Oh, I've heard good things"
Such a mixed response. And the hierarchy continues.
So much so that I need to find respect once again for friends like Ryan and people like Bet... taking one day at a time without medical transition... because they don't know or because it's just not for them.
I search through my own guilt about having surgery this June, but the water's still very murky... at times, since I'm still in college and will be at least another 2 years at 23 years old currently... I feel like I'm an undeserving child. I feel like I'm entering into a world and a place so many people wish to be... and the guilt sometimes overwhelms me. I punch walls more often, and I haven't slept longer than a 6 hour stretch in 6 days.
As I stare at my watch, show up for work, eat lunch, head off to class each day of the week I realize next week is week 3, lab 4, quiz 2, forum 4 research paper phase two commencing and it will go by. So now... do I wait for June with respect and honor and class? I try.
Being in a place that was once so fucking full of conflict and now knowing it will be resolved... is a lot to take on... to comprehend, to deal with.
And to own.
I have to own this part of me now... this... unfortunate separation... this... feeling of staring at Toby and thinking about other friends and staring at Dru ... up at them... with this... desire to be where they are... to feel their smiles warm the air, the room, warm me even... to watch them stand up straight and just... dare I say it... just ...be...
I long to just be so badly. Every night I taste it on my lips and I pull my knees to my chest and try to sleep and say good-bye and take a deep breath and get scared and run scenarios through my mind and smile cuz the waiting will soon be over, there is a way and it's in Cleveland and maybe my 2 dear friends will be with me BUT..........
I still feel so much guilt. Because I know what it fucking feels like. To push things away so hard... to sit outside chain smoking a pack of cigarettes alone listening to Brandi Carlile in the dark... at midnight... trying to find a way to be happy for one of my best friends... one of my dearest friends... not shedding a tear because you don't wanna recognize it that hard. Been there. Done that.
At the end of the day I had an out, too. One day someone gave me 10 grand. So I got an apartment and spent the money... I remember thinking surgery but never wanted to medically transition.
Which leads me to my point. I never wanted to medically transition because "I was stronger than that"
Stronger than what?
Nowadays the anger and frustration feels about the same... that I'm hiding one way or the other so what's it matter... sept one way I get to feel like me. And for the love of God I beg and beg and beg for sideburns just so I don't have to stare into the mirror 50 times a day anymore.
Movements.
What makes us want to medically transition? Accessibility? It's been there maybe... comfort in your own body... documentation. And what makes a large majority of trans people disconnect themselves from those who don't follow our very narrow path...
Inject here
Or rub it here
Wait.
Surgery.
*Insert big name here*
Heal
Documents
SRS
change
change
change.
complete.
Or some go on for meta or phallo some go all the way and more often I think about going a little farther than I am... I mean I have this dick, why not be able to freakin pee out of it? Maybe some day.
To which ideas do we call our own transition? Is it the brand of T, needle size, surgeon or gel? Facial hair, sideburns, popping up veins... lifting or not lifting... phallo or meta?
Is that OUR transition? Or is transition about guilt, family... friends... trauma, change, work, politics and sex?
Or is it all of it?
Is this T my transition or everyone's transition who goes on T?
And in the end... how do we distinguish between medical and non-medical?
How do we talk down to a non-medically transitioned guy and think "he dunt have the balls" or maybe "he dunt have the money, or the right therapist or the know-how or the ..." I gotta tell you I've thought it.
I thought it at Bet's benefit last night, which is a tad bit ironic.
At the end of a long work day, and then class and the drive and the home work and the not eating enough, the lifting I do anyways and the shower time, jerking off and eventual dip into bed... I realize that in my transition, I am lonely.
I lack language to talk about it with people outside my friendship circle and in turn, I get even lonelier.
And at the end of the day maybe we all are still learning.
As I move towards surgery I feel I will become even lonelier... afterall, I thought I felt guilty cuz a friend is loaning me the difference, about 2,500 dollars. But that's not so true... I live with mama, am poor off my ass so financial aid pays for school and you know... this is indeed my life. I in fact, can still have surgery in June.
I'm terrified of it by the way, I went under the knife twice in '06, but never under general... not since I was 8
And then, like always, I feel guilty, for the privilege to feel scared.
It won't matter how much you tell me not to feel guilty... I still do. I don't know if I ever won't.
So why do we tear people down anyway?
I dunno, but I'd like to really find out
Gabe | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| My father only ever hit me once
But he always knew just how to scare me-Kate Bornstein
This is my truth, too. Nice to finally be able to share with someone... and I'm sure she'd understand what I mean by "nice"
Benefit for Bet tonight was great stuff... it was a privilege to be there.
Gabe | | comments: Leave a comment |
| That I "failed" to mention in therapy... must get better at that really... I have been REALLY feeling physically angry/like I need to beat the shit out of something for the past 6 or so days. This could be residual shit from just quitting smoking 10 days ago, from Chantix or something fucked with my T this week or stress. I figured I'd list all the things that have made me feel this way, which are on TOP of having a kind of permanent nicotine craving in my chest physically... like my heart wants it... though from 8 months experience, I know low T levels make me feel this way, too... but I hardly think I fucked up my dose this week.
Here's my list.
I am angry because....
I can't have surgery till late June/July
Because no one can tell me for sure if they'll come
Because I have 5 times as much hw for classes than I did last semester and it all gets done right up until the wire because there's so much, not because I'm lazy
My job sucks and no one works hard but me
My boss hasn't given me a word on a raise after 6 weeks of waiting
My mother put a fucking phone for her GF on our plan an now it doesn't renew till NEXT Jan and we were switching to Verizon
SO I could oh I dunno, talk to Beck, Lauren, my sister and Ryan (eventually in August) whenever the fuck I want
SO I could get a new phone cuz after 2 years this one's on its way out
I feel like I'm going to get backlash for wanting surgery with Medalie
I feel guilty for taking money from a friend but motherfucking grateful at the same time
I have 5,000 bills to pay, all small amounts BUT
Since I had to pull 75 bucks to ship my horn myself I have to wait for the horn money because that included shipping
I'm anxious and worried paypal won't give me my 1,922
I'm sad to see my horn go
I'm afraid the kid won't like it
I quit smoking and have no time to deal with that loss though I don't consider it too much of a loss
I have to wait till April to hear about the program and it's killing me
My micro prof is new to GCC and is screwed because they gave him too many classes to teach, so in turn we suffer
I sprained my toe really bad so I can't express anger through running
The Patriots lost and ppl won't shut up about it
It's not July
It's not July
It's not July
.... Okay I get it and none of that shit was stretched or made up, that's what's going on in my life right now.
Motherfucker, anyone would wanna beat the shit out of something...
I believe this is what they call "suck it up and deal the best you can"
If I come off mean, just cut me a little freakin slack
Off looking up Chantix in my PDR... class was canceled and no one knew so we all fucking drove up there... 40 miles total for me and 7 bucks of gas I'll never see again. Gonna try to have some fun during my lovely evening of down time tonight and the good thing is, no 5AM wake up call saturday morning, I get to work my old boss' cafe's 2 year anniversary party.
Maybe that'll help actual.
The good things in my life ARE
I get to have top surgery this summer
I get to get the letter I need/want
I'll get an answer on the program one way or another eventually
Time flies fast when you don't have enough time to do anything
My tummy's getting furrier by the week, little by little and I LOVE IT
My facial fuzz grows in MUCH faster
I feel like a T vet, 8 months and counting
My life can only change for the better
I have some really awesome friends who understand me and wanna be there for me even though they might not be able to
I LOVE my program and I do really love my 2 classes... Med Admin and Micro
My budget, after I get over all these weird beginning of the year tax things is working out great for surgery saving
Surgery is a blessing
My ma said she'd come if no one else can so at least I can totally plan on it now
Everything I'm doing right now is to ensure that I have a "rest of my life" and a good one at that
And that is very special.
I feel a little better.
Any advice for me on how to deal with this stuff better? Yes Jersey's on the list after I finish my research paper for Feb 28th.
Gabe | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| DISCLAIMER... my journal, and I mean no personal O-ffense WHATSOEVER. It's an observation, not an attack.
I've spoken to a few people... in fact all the people I personally can get my hands on (some haven't responded to email inquiry by other friends) about Johnson and letters. Well I mean the truth is ... not everyone wants one, but I do.
"I'll figure it out" seems to be everyone's motto here in Western Mass and I just refuse to have surgery based on "convenience" Now maybe I'm making up some construct to better fit the fact that I'm going to Cleveland for top surgery, who knows. When I first started this process I didn't even want to recover at home b/c of my mother... I wanted some high falootin experience, some rayofsunlightbeamingintomyroomgiftfromgod specific way to do this all.
Now I just
Want to be safe
Want a good surgeon
Want to only spend what I have to
I want my friends around me, wherever that is
And I want a letter in accordance to all Mass state laws.
I'm starting to also construct (please notice the use of words, thanks) the idea in my head that not going to Johnson is somehow going to take from my experience (one friend telling me, recovering in a hotel room, BLEH) and take from my results. Don't get me wrong but I in no way am telling Johnson people I disagree with them... they can do what they want... but why do I feel like I can't do what I want... just because it's different?
Why question me? Because you're a good friend... or because you don't trust my choice in surgeons (Medalie, OH)
I'm personally not spending 7300 for a name --Fischer-- and reported bad aftercare when I can get an exact match letter with Medalie, spend more than a grand less on surgery and good aftercare.
The point is... every surgery you have with ANYONE has a trade off.
Johnson compromises my legal documents severely
Fischer (IMHO) compromises my bank account and my health a bit (her staff, not her)
Medalie is not as personable and not as experienced as Fischer
There
IS
NO
PERFECT
SURGEON
not in this country anyway... so I beg you once again... rhetorical as it may be... why judge me?
What in fact is there to judge? The fact that I can step out my back door and go to Johnson and she's nice so I should go? If she wrote the letter I go in 2 seconds.
Or I should stop. I must admit, whenever I'd skim LJ and here about Medalie, I'd breeze right by him because he wasn't a big name, he wasn't Fischer or Brownstein or Alter ... no Johnson is not a big name in top surgery.
The truth is, everyone picks their own and has a right to. Evan had surgery with someone in Rochester, Ryan's going to Fischer, Beck went to Johnson, so will Trent, Toby went to Johnson, Calvin went to Fischer ... etc... etc... etc....
Meet your own needs, spend what you can spend, even though we shouldn't have to spend anything.
I don't look down on people who went to any of these surgeons... everyone had their reasons...
So why does Johnson feel like the cool club and I'm not a smoker anymore?
Everyone around here is going to her, well not so true, but a few people I respect are... with the notion that they'll figure it out. Is there some OTHER risk I should be taking as a trans guy only on T 8 months without documents changed? Is there some rule book of suffering I haven't read???
6 years.
Longer than most.
I'm fucking done.
So what's more important... my nipples or my legal safety.
Take notice of something will you.
I went GID. I had a therapist sign HBSC on my letter to my Endo, had a referral from my GP, will get a letter from my therapist again for Medalie...
There is something deep in my gut that says go by the books. That says laws DO NOT protect me at all. Not in my state and NOT in my place of residence or work (unless of course my boss harassed me about my gender, the only thing really protected here)
And here I am once again, as Milag will point out for me... I'm sure... defending how I feel
Because I feel the need to defend it
But I hope in this instance I'm just severely venting.... because there's no one to talk to and no appt to make yet and not all the money's anywhere and no one knows who can come with me.
Gabe K... Mr. Black Sheep.
I'll always do it my way.
That's one thing you can count on.
Mind of my own
Nursing student
Paranoid maybe.
Who just
wants
to
feel
safe
one fucking day of my life.
You can't put a price on that.
I won't. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| OMG I think I just broke my little toe on my right foot... I started telling people I dropped a weight on it, LIE... I dropped my fucking trombone stand DIRECTLY on it from 3 feet above it... bout 7 pounds...
I could move it though, so I probably didn't break it but it sure feels very bordeline... I've broken a toe before... the same one actually!
Motherfuck needed to bitch cuz no one's around and I'm sposed to be lifting then writing my lab report. FUCK
I can't even get up to pull the damn fan out of my window.
ARG FUCKERS
Gabe | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Well today I accomplished a million things... like securing payment for my horn, lifting, going to my awesome Med Administration class, doing my hw for that class, completing my Micro hw for tomorrow, sending lots of FTM posts back and forth about Johnson, eating food and cleaning my horn up... oh I also got my porn back. Well I had it back since Monday but I've been too busy to go for it and too fucked on Chantix... yeah, that drug was not good for me and my little man... things are better now that I've stopped :-)
It's great to finally be smoke free. A non-smoker... whatever you wanna call it. I'm really proud of that... and I may eat a shit ton of skittles for a while, but that's all right with me :-)
Lifting felt awesome, I had to let my 2 days post shot go by before I could do it so Wednesdays are always good days..
Little nervous about my work week though... 6-2 work tomorrow, 4-7 class
6-2 friday, 4-9 cafe
630-230sat, then mail horn.
No time to myself, so I figured I'd write and then go to bed a little bit early. Only advice to myself for this hectic end of my week, eat... a lot, whenever I can and sleep whenever I can. Lifted hard today, for good reason, won't be able to till Saturday night (UGH) then the cycle starts all over again, but next week should be great, my schedule with work will be a little different and I took Sat off from the deli to work the cafe's 2 year anniversary party, STOKED.... and 10 bucks an hour plus tips.
The funds for my horn should be transferred in 5-7 days and I'll mail the horn out soon.
Ebay ate 52 bucks of my bid and PayPal UNKNOWINGLY TO ME... needed to take 56... PISSED is the operative word... but that still leaves me with a little over 1,800 after shipping.
Been losing sleep over Johnson lately... and been emailing with my GP... something tells me I need to get this all figured out ASAP so when time comes for appts and shit say April/May ... I'll have it all figured out. Just the way I work with this shit, if I don't know all I can know, why do it?
Oh that reminds me to have some fun this weekend and look up Chantix in my PDR, (my nursing meds book) ... I found it the other day but refused to read it till I was off of it. The drug works wonders on nicotine, but for what its been doing to my mind, I wouldn't call it a "wonder drug"
I'd call it a last resort. Most people don't stay on it for 7 days like I did. Quite frankly, I do NOT know how they function. Ryan's right about that "you don't know how much it fucks you till you're off of it"
I feel like I'm already getting my mental processes back... everything just seemed 10 times harder to do and for me... that AINT good. My classes are HARD my job is endless and fast paced... homework's always done on time, in full, always so... you know... life's movin here, better be able to keep up... no caffeine er nothin. Am I like DRUG free??? No caffeine, only beers with my queers and no smoking, no pot and no hard drugs but of course... oh the life of a post A&P I and II student!!!
So anyways, give me a hug, cuz this'll prolly be the last ya hear from me till Sunday morning, I hope I survive the week... would rather be sittin around with my nose in my micro book or my butt in my meds class... honestly... they're hard, but they're gonna be damn fun... my A&P II friends are all over the place and we stick together :-)
Oh I got some certificate for Dean's list from my school today... recording ever so nicely my 3.80 GPA... I don't give a shit WHAT people say about my school, my program's HARD, the hardest there, the most competitive with 300 applicants this year, the most successful in the state and this is Mass we're talkin... and also, as I just found out, one of the most funded... we have a shit ton of new EVERYTHING... and I've heard we are lucky ones.
That stupid piece of paper made me feel worth something today. And I never thought I'd say this... but I'd just LOVE to graduate with honors.
Lots more to go, I actually was wondering this week why I'm doing this, it's so damn hard... it could potentially be so damn hopeless but then...
I love it and I'm good at it.
So do it.
Goodnight, see yawl later on down the weekend
Gabe | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | SOLD | | Time: | 08:38 pm |
|
| For $1,925.00 not including shipping.
I don't own my baby anymore.
But as Beck eloquently put it on the phone tonight....
"Dude, that's like 2/3 of a boob!"
That it is.
Dr. Melissa Johnson, take down my name and number :-) | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| At least 1,424 dollars will be transferred over to me regarding my horn on EBay. It closes in just over an hour.
There's a bidding war now.
But I'd just like to say...
That I am a little sad I don't own my horn anymore. Because legally, I don't anymore.
It's called sacrifice and honesty. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I just...
WANT THIS
to be
OVER.
My mother backed out...
Back in November she said that if there was no medical family tragedy she'd tell my grandfather and his wife that I'm trans etc... now it's February this week and she says no.
She says she hasn't even come out yet.
When did this become about her?
July in the grand scheme of my life, is just around the corner. Surgery... an end to something I needed to end years ago.
Now, it's putting pieces together of everything else... so if I have to send them a letter, I will. I need to take ownership of my shit, but I was looking for support from my mother, because maybe they wouldn't find me so damn weird.
My mother said some cold things...
This is all just crap, but I'll do it myself... apparently my grandfather can't drive up here from Jersey anymore, so if I wanna see him, I gotta go down there... and in that mix is cousins and aunts and uncles and extended everything...
Biggest year of my life, probably.
My extended family and my grandfather will get a letter
Because I don't wanna see their faces... I just don't... I've seen plenty already.
I can't figure out that if this is who we are... are we 100% responsible for telling everyone in our lives? Are we supposed to do it alone.
It's so damn lonely sometimes...
Path
This path isn't chosen... it just is... because I wouldn't dare choose to feel this way.
To risk death in surgery
To struggle
To be harassed
And while I wouldn't have wanted to be born biologically male and I wouldn't change anything
I still wouldn't choose it.
I'm better for it.
But when is enough enough?
When will it end?
Will I ever find a day where I wake up... and just feel like me
Not like I'm hiding from some thing or someone
My computer's back and better than ever now.
It smells like soap
Classes start tonight... my escape
July
April
I'll write everyone a letter
And I'll do this all alone
Alone... from the people who don't get it anyway...
I owe those 2 a big part of my happiness.
Big part.
Alone from family
But then Beck and Ry are blood, too.
School
Work.
Live.
Someday I'll just move away. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Everything I liked, she hated
Everything he said, I believed.
Everything she had, I didn't know for me
It is funny... what people can do to you, what they can "make" you believe when you're young or "in love" that wasn't love.
But I... believed everything he said about this person and that one, and this method and that one and people and ideas and hate and not correct enough.
Till I wake up every once in a while and cast another belief he had away from me.
Not worth it.
And she... well... what can I say.
I was watching a special movie to me and remembered how it ended.
She'd hate it.
I'd know it was for show, but I'd love it.
She'd make me hate it.
I'm done.
To wake up every morning and see someone with money not doing anything with it... unhappy despite what she says and breaking down everything that I love. From dumb movies to lifting, the way I talk, act, move, feel.
Everythin
Was never good enough or right.
And for so long I measured everything against but I'm done.
When do we wake up at certain points in our lives and measure ourselves against others? Why do we have moments where that's all that is important?
Where everything is about what they think and not who you are, what you stand for. Where you're not allowed to be.
I have close friends, and no matter how hard I try to make new ones, there's only about 6 or 7 I really like. I've got a few like Schlund and Joe, complete opposites of me and yet.... it just dun't matter how much I don't know about Jazz or Cambodia.
I get to be me.
An acquaintance of mine at my old job asked me the other day if I liked Ani, and I promptly stated "No. hate her" ... radio in the kitchen and all.
Through her ex I'm sure she's an amazing person, nice, sweet, down to earth so I was bummed at my response. Then she asked me why I hated her so much, afterall, I've never really listened to her.
And I remembered.
Easy memories.
When Beck and I broke up way back in the day, the next night him and all our friends went to that concert without me.
I've never listened to Ani.
And I've held quite the hatred. But when people ask, I usually just say she bangs the guitar too hard for me.
Plus, I'm not really into people evvvvvvvveryone likes.
But it is funny, how we write things off without a second thought. So much that as I stared at the dishes and at Tanya cooking, I started to shift and say "you know, I've never really heard her, put her on" "No seriously it's okay" "Yeah I mean I should give her a chance, that was years ago." All had nice, sweet responses which ended with Tanya saying "well if you haven't really heard her this isn't the place anyway, all the noise and all, she's a great poet."
I'll take her word for it, afterall, she was listening to Tupac that AM as well.
On January 9th at about 8:20AM I was in the walk in fridge with my cell phone tucked close to my body on the ring/vibrate mode it's always on, sept when I'm napping. I was holding two gallon containers of salsa and my phone rang. My boss needed them but everything stopped. As my phone rang I dropped them both, and fearing I'd lose service, bolted out the side loading door into the parking lot.
I answered my phone between the fridge and the outside. Ryan. News on Beck.
In that moment everything else in my life stopped. I lit a cigarette and paced around the parking lot during our short conversation... when the call ended, I paced for the duration of my cigarette... the owner drove up... as I was outside, alone in the back, not where I usually am. I kept pacing.
Away.
From everything.
Nothing else mattered.
Everything went away. Every ounce of anger and fatigue and longing and unfairness --everything.
Because in those moments you realize what's important.
An 8 year friendship that started with tormenting, turned into dating, broke apart into anger, inspired BOTH of us to change some serious serious personal flaws and then distance and maybe I dunno... the realization that what we had in friendship was more than just coffee on spring break if one of us was around.
I made a choice to drive down to Jersey that summer, one I was nervous about, cuz what the FUCK would we talk about for 3 days.
But that trip changed our lives.
And through distance and growing up and becoming and fighting, history and similarity, transition, from some things I will always know lurk in the back of his mind and him the same for me... I dunno.
Everything went away.
And I didn't feel selfish anymore, I just cared.
Bout both of them.
And I thought about what the world might lose and what I'd lose out on if he never made it through that day, dramatic as it seems and I just.... got over it all.
See I guess the point is, she never let me be myself and even when my jersey accent came out I was made fun of, my best friend couldn't be called my best friend I had to use her name, movies had shitty endings, grey's was dumb and not worth crying to, everything was dull and meaningless and I was always wrong so when she asked me to do something hard, to get over her new boyfriend I said no.
Because I didn't care enough.
I don't.
See, he doesn't make me feel that way. Neither does Ryan or Schlund or Joe or my sister.
I'm not always wrong.
I have friends who don't make me apologize for who I am and those are the ones I keep. I have friends who listen and don't interrupt me on account of me saying "call" in Jersey every single time, God I hated that.
May not be too many close ones.
But I let it all go because I cared.
If you really love someone you put all your shit on hold for their happiness when you need to.
Hm.
I don't doubt for a second, if roles were reversed, he would do the same for me.
Gabe. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Just wanted to post that.
Some things in life I just can't have right now.
And I'm working on understanding that my life isn't just plain OVER until next year.
There are good things.
I tried last semester, harder than the first.
And that English class I took really had its rough points. So did A&P.
But I worked and I went to school and I was harassed and fucked up and pulled over by a statey.
But I got through it.
In 17 days it all starts again.
Time flies when you're busy.
Count the weeks.
But hopefully I'll lose count. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Small things help
After many phone conversations this week with random people including a quit smoking helpline so I can get my Chantix covered
I definitely
Pass
As a man
on the phone.
And... that feels really really great.
Gabriele | | comments: Leave a comment |
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